Tucker Max proves that jerks do finish first

Tucker Max talks about his new book, how girls come to him now and his final sexual frontier.

An hour before Tucker Max is scheduled to appear at Follett's Orange Bookstore at 2 p.m. on Sunday, a few eager young men have already lined up to meet him. They all hold Assholes Finish First, Max's second book, which was released Sept. 28.

Max's books chronicle his lurid sexual encounters, often alcohol-fueled and almost always shocking. He claims to have slept with hundreds of women and writes with candor about his use of women solely as sexual objects.

Charles Shaver, one of the men there for the signing and a student at Onondaga Community College, described Max as "God."

Syracuse University freshman Dyland Rocke said, "A [female] friend of mine wishes she was one of his stories."

A crowd of about 150 soon gathered, waiting for Max to grace them with his presence.

Before heading to the bookstore, Max stopped at Starbucks on Marshall Street with his female assistant and ordered a venti latte. He went unnoticed by the students around him.

He is tall, fit, more good-looking in person than he is on the cover of his first book, and of course, charming. He sat down with The NewsHouse to talk about life post-fame and post-20s, how the girls come to him now and his final sexual frontier.


The NewsHouse: So, your new book just came out, Assholes Finish First. How is it doing so far?

Tucker Max: Well it hasn’t been out even a week, so most sales aren’t in yet. But from what I know it’s doing very, very well. It’s definitely going to debut top five bestseller list. I really wanted it to be one, but Bob Woodward’s Obama book came out this week. We’ll see. 

NH: So do you think this book is going to be bigger than I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell?

TM: We’ll see. I don’t know. The response so far from fans has been, like, overwhelmingly positive, in a weird way. Almost like… it’s kind of funny, you know obviously you want people to like what you write. And everyone’s like, “Oh my god, it’s so good, it’s better than Beer in Hell,” blah blah blah. And I’m glad they like it, [laughing] but it’s like if they like it too much, then it’s like, f---, then the bar’s set even higher for book three, you know what I’m saying?

NH: Yeah. So you think you’ll keep writing books for as long as you have good stories?

TM: Look. I definitely have a third book in me, maybe a fourth, but… you played with cabbage patch kids when you were six, you didn’t do it when you were sixteen. Same with me. I’m not gonna keep writing stories about doing the drunk s--- I do in my 20s if I’m not in my 20s anymore.

NH: So are most of your stories still coming from your 20s?

TM: The new book is like maybe half old, half relatively new. ‘Cause it’s actually in two sections. The first half is stuff that could have been in Beer in Hell, the second half is stuff that’s more recent. I call it the post-fame sex stories. It’s about when I became famous and the girls started coming to me to hook up instead of me having to go out to pick up girls. It seems like a small thing but everything fundamentally changes and all kinds of crazy, funny s--- happened but it was different than it used to be. But I’m 34, I have a lot of money now, I have s--- to lose. Like I don’t go out and get drunk and act like an idiot and drive my car into storefronts anymore.

NH: But every once in awhile?

TM: No. No, I mean of course I get drunk and hang out with my friends, but the stupid s--- I did. When I think about the s--- I did, especially in my mid-20s, I’m shocked I’m not in jail or dead. I’m glad I made it out alive.

NH: So you were talking about how crazy your fans are. I was just talking to a guy out there and he described you as a god, literally.

TM: I get that all the time. All day. I mean you’ll see at the book signing, it’s like all day long. But it’s usually young guys, guys in their 30s don’t. It’s mostly guys that are like 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, like guys that haven’t gone out and gotten drunk and hooked up and done all the crazy things that we all do in our 20s. Those are the ones that think I’m god ‘cause they haven’t done any of this stuff. If you’ve done all this stuff then maybe the book’s really funny or maybe you learn something, but it’s not anything you haven’t done in a fundamental sense.

NH: Is it a sign of success for you that people are protesting you and they literally hate you around the country?

TM: Absolutely. What makes me laugh is the haters are like a tiny little group, they’re really not that many. You would think with the amount of noise they make there would be more, but there just aren’t that many. Go to any of my signings, half the people that are there are women. The groups that are protesting are basically just kooks looking for attention on the back of something popular and famous. It could be me, it could be Eminem, it could be anybody, it doesn’t matter. They don’t care about issues or right or wrong, they care about telling people what to do and controlling people. And I’m just like the new hot thing and so by protesting me they can get more attention. I don’t pay any attention to them. No one protests anonymous, unimportant people.

NH: Your stories talk all about the women you’ve treated badly or had random sex with, so what is it about women that makes them want you more because of that?

TM: I don’t think they want me more because of that, I think they want me more because I’m funny and smart and I write about things in an interesting, engaging way. I write about the things we all do in an interesting, engaging way. There are definitely some women who like to be treated like s---. You know what’s funny, is that there are definitely girls who like to be treated like s--- and then they read my stuff and they’ll think, “Okay, this guy will treat me like s---,” and then they’ll e-mail me [telling me they’re coming out] and then they get upset because I don’t treat them s---ty enough. I don’t understand, like, I swear to god, I talk in the book about this. It’s like I can’t win. But girls like that are whatever, I mean they just have their own thing. There are plenty of women who… you go ask the fans, I’m not gonna speak for women who like my stuff, you gotta ask them.

NH: I know on your site you have the advice to girls that men will treat you the way you let them treat you, and I think that’s absolutely true.

TM: Well of course. That’s true for anybody. You teach people how to treat you. It’s pretty simple.

NH: I remember before your movie came out how confident you were in its success. How did you feel when it failed in theaters? 

TM: It sucked. I was not happy about it. There was a lot I thought I understood about the movie business that I didn’t. I mean, that’s how you learn is failure. I’m never gonna say, "Boy, I’m really happy it didn’t do $100 million." That sentence will never come out of my mouth. Probably not. I won’t say never, never’s a very strong word. It didn’t do what I thought it would. There was a lot about the business that I didn’t understand that I thought I did understand. Now I know.

NH: So are you single right now?

TM: Uh-huh.

NH: It must make it more fun to be on the book tour, right?

TM: You know, I mean, sort of. I’m not gonna lie and say I hate girls coming up to hook up with me. Of course not, that’s cool. But on the other hand there’s definitely an element of… you’ll see when you read the second half of the book. It kind of talks about this, how my life changed once girls started coming up to hook up with me. It became unusual. And a lot of girls would come out and have their own agendas so it’s not just two people hooking up, it’s like a girl who wants to f--- me to write about it or a girl who wants to f--- me to tell her friends. Which adds this other element to the equation that makes it very ironic.

NH: You’ve had girlfriends. So what are you like as a boyfriend, and do you get easily bored?

TM: The last story in the book is about this girl I dated for eight months in 2008 and 2009.

NH: What’s her name?

TM: Her nickname in the book is Hot Nurse. Yeah, we dated for nine months, totally monogamous. I didn’t really have an issue with that. I mean, it’s like, how much more ass do I need, really? Novelty’s awesome, especially at a certain point in your life, and I’m never gonna reach a point where I look at a hot girl and I don’t feel anything. Hot people are hot people, whatever, right. Boredom wasn’t the issue. That’s something you have to worry about with 20-year-old guys, 23-year-old guys, 24 year-old-guys, not a guy in his 30s who’s experienced life. Boredom’s not the issue, finding the right match is the issue.

NH: I read an interview where you advised women to be patient with men while they’re growing up. Do you feel at 34 that you are?

TM: Well, sort of. What are you, 22? Don’t expect anything from guys your age in terms of commitment, in terms of maturity. You know women mature faster than guys. As a 22-year-old you’re probably about as mature as most male 25- to 29-year-olds or something like that, or maybe even a little higher. I was 32 when I met [Hot Nurse] and she was 24 and we were right about the same maturity level. She was very mature for her age, but nonetheless we were right in the same sort of emotional space. You just have to understand, 22-year-old guys are what they are. They’re just big walking penises. And I say that having been one, and I don’t say that as putting them down. And they’re f---ing stupid. They don’t know anything and they think they know everything. I was the king example, I was the worst, the worst. So you have to understand that guys are kind of worthless as boyfriends or mates until they hit about… depends on the guy, some guys mature faster than others. But bare minimum: 26, 27. With someone like me it takes a little longer.

NH: 40, 45?

TM: No, no, early 30s. A 22-year-old guy, drink with him, party with him, if you wanna f---, f--- him, but don’t expect anything else.

NH: So you’ve written about being with "midgets" and amputees and threesomes. Is there a sexual frontier that you’re still excited about that you want to conquer?

TM: You gotta read the book before you do the interview. It’s all answered in the book. There’s a story called the sexual to-do list and I talk about it in there. I made up a whole to-do list of girls I wanted to hook up with, hooked up with all of them, list is closed. The only one that was on the list and I took off was conjoined twins, Siamese twins. I did research and there’s only like maybe 12 sets of female conjoined twins in the world.

NH: Not enough around here.

TM: Right, they’re all disfigured, you know? I’m not going to go flying to Bellevue, Washington to go hunt down some [twins].

NH: There’s those famous conjoined twins at the head that are all over TV. Have you thought about that?

TM: They were on Nip/Tuck. If they wanna come to me we’ll think about it maybe, but these poor girls. They got dealt a s---ty hand in life, they don’t need me pursuing them sexually. They can find me if they really want to, but…

NH: Alright, one more question. Do you see any other projects in the works for you right now? 

TM: Book three is almost finished, my next book, and it'll probably come out next year about this time. But yeah, other than that, that and the book tour are the only two things I’m doing.


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