An open letter to Victoria's Secret

Last week, Victoria's Secret unveiled its new "Gorgeous" brassiere and fragrance collection, which has since been aggressively promoted on TV and in my email account. In the last month, I've received 19 emails from Victoria's Secret. Two were showcasing its fabulous new bras, The Gorgeous and The Unforgettable, to join the ranks of its other headliners: The Miraculous, The Biofit, The Showstopper, The Very Sexy, The Very Slutty, The Cutting Off My Circulation, The Lace Indentations on My Ribcage and The Homage to Hookers, some of which may or may not be nicknames. And the worst part of this new collection is: I'm totally sold.

In addition to regularly deflating my self-esteem, these ads work far too well on me and my debit card. They clearly haven't gotten my letters requesting "The Bra that Won't Make Me Overdraw on My Account Again." I know I have a problem. I take full responsibility. But I had to have that Sexy Little Things: Noir Tease lotion! I'm not so sure this is what a Noir Tease smells like, but I needed it, OK?

I've grown so weary of this addiction. For all the cash I funnel to Victoria, I don't look anything closer to Miranda Kerr. I just want an Australian woman constantly doing a voiceover of my daily activities, remarking every few minutes what a bombshell I am. But I only get text messages from my Presbyterianly-frugal father, remarking every few minutes that I'm just a ticking time bomb for my own bankruptcy.

It's not just me either. Check out the video: